Does Your Marriage Need A Tune-Up?

By Sue Ginocchio, MA, PLPC

Have you ever bought a new car? Did you love the new car smell? Did you follow the owner’s manual for oil changes and regular maintenance? Did you use premium gas? When the car got older, did you take care of it the same way as you did when you first got it? Or did you neglect it, or not take care of it in the same way you had in the beginning? Maybe you should treat your marriage like you would a new car.

Unfortunately, many people don’t treat their most important relationship with the same passion and energy over time. Just as your car will break down if it doesn’t receive the required maintenance, so can your relationship. Marriage doesn’t come with an owner’s manual like your car does; but we do have the Bible to look to as our life’s “owner manual”. God has given us the ultimate truth about marriage and relationships.

“Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” are not things that come naturally to most of us!  We all have a desire to be heard and understood.  We will have far more success, however, at being heard and understood if we first seek to understand. Seek to fully understand your partner, their side of the story, their wants and desires and let them feel heard and understood.  Once they feel they have been heard, they will be much more ready to hear and understand you.

Do you connect with your spouse regularly? Do you ask open-ended questions and truly listen?  Do you schedule time alone for the two of you, as a couple? Life, jobs, kids and obligations can cause one’s relationship to get pushed down on the priority list. Patterns of negativity and fear of negative reactions can also make us withdraw. According to Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D., the average couple spends less than 35 minutes a week talking about non household related items. It tells us that we have to choose to do the things that will help us stay connected.

Why is it so much easier to see other’s faults than our own?  Many people fall into the habit of looking for other’s mistakes and correcting them instead of looking for what other’s do right and showing appreciation, fondness and affection. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that most conflict in relationships (69%) is perpetual and ongoing. Therefore, improving communication skills and managing conflict should be the goal, as opposed to resolving every conflict.   Dr. Gottman refers to criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling as the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”.  He states that these negative communication styles are very detrimental to relationships.  We need to stop the “Four Horseman” by employing effective antidotes: a gentle start-up, taking responsibility, describing our own feelings and needs and physiological self-soothing.

Shouldn’t your marriage be treated like a new car?  In my practice, I welcome couples who want to come in for an oil change or a tune-up. Most couples can benefit from sessions to improve communication skills.   Improved communication can lead to improved intimacy. You don’t want to wait until you need a new transmission!  Unfortunately, many couples wait until the pain is so bad that they have nowhere else to turn before they come in, desperate to improve their relationship.  It’s far wiser to invest in regular maintenance and reap the benefits of a stronger relationship.

About the Author

Sue Ginocchio, PLPC at Agape Christian Counseling, earned a Masters of Arts degree in Professional Counseling from Lindenwood University. She is a Provisionally Licensed Professional Counselor pursuing full licensure in the state of Missouri. Prior to counseling, Sue spent 20 years in sales, management and recruiting as well as spending some time staying home full time with her 4 children. Sue brings to her work her faith, her life experience, and her passion for helping others. Click on the picture to the left to read her full bio.