Prideful Gridlock: Changing Posture and Perspective

One day in the Prairie of Pax a North-Going Zax and a South-Going Zax run into each other. Both are trying to get to their desired locations, but neither will move out of the way to let the other one pass. While both stand facing each other, too proud to compromise, they fail to see that the world continues on moving and time passes by.Dr. Seuss

http://www.teachingchildrenphilosophy.org/wiki/The_Zax

These iconic Dr. Seuss Zax characters are defined as argumentative, stubborn and prideful. Often, I’ll work with couples who are in conflict due to their different perspectives of the presenting problem. Issues such as finances, parenting, sex, and domestic responsibilities can cause couples to feel that they are going round and round the same argument. Stubbornness and pride contributes to neither party budging on their position. This can cause deep feelings of rejection and hurt which can lead to resentment. It’s normal to find tremendous frustration if our partner does not “see” things the way we do! Often we end up being argumentative and stubborn in our posture, digging in our heels even more, just like the Zax.

So how do we break free of this gridlock position? Our perspectives, attitudes, points of view, opinions, and translations of events are formed through our core belief system. It’s as if we each have a unique set of glasses, or lenses, through which we see the world. Perspective is influenced by how we think about ourselves, how we think about others, and how we think about the world. Culture, values, gender, experiences, childhood, temperament, etc. can all play a role in how we interpret our relationships, life events, and interactions.

When we don’t see eye to eye with our spouse, it can be challenging to put pride aside and have the humility to see things from a different perspective. Change your posture by using the STOPP acronym:

S Stop

T Take a Breath

O Observe

Take note of your feelings, thoughts, body sensations, surroundings of both you and your partner. What meaning am I giving this situation? How am I looking at this through my lenses?

P Pull Back/Challenge Your Perspective

What’s the bigger picture? Take the helicopter view. How would someone else see this? What might this look like from my partner’s perspective? Is this fact or opinion?