Empty Nest: Ambivalent Emotions When Kids Leave Home

Penny (not her real name) was a vibrant mother of four. She expressed confusion, selfishness, anxiety and shame regarding her mixed emotions when her daughter left home.

Kathy, we took our daughter to school last month and I’ve  found myself getting more depressed ever since. It’s confusing though because I’m also excited for her! Why do I feel this way if I want her to get an education and begin the adult life that God has planned for her? I am thankful that she has opportunities ahead of her that I never had, yet part of me is jealous. I’m happy she is pursuing her dreams, but sometimes I feel a sense of panic that she is away from home. Everything around me is changing and I know our relationship will never be the same either. When I feel sad that she’s not with me every day, I feel ashamed of myself because many parents have lost children  and there is no way the grief I am feeling can compare to theirs. This shame keeps me silent. I feel I have no right to feel the way I do.

In the following weeks, Penny spoke about becoming increasingly insecure and feeling “stuck.” She also became aware that she was sending family and friends mixed messages by pushing them away while trying to pull them  closer.  Penny characterized herself as “detached” and “anxious.” We worked toward resolution of these conflicts and wounds that were keeping  her from living her life abundantly.

Change

Autumn has begun and with it for many, a season of empty nest. Children leaving home is a time of transition.  Any life transition can bring about a broad range of ambivalent emotions, so good news empty nesters! It’s normal for contradictory emotions to accompany change.  Even if change is welcome, change is still change, and that can be tough. It can be very confusing and messy to sort through the numerous reactions during this transition in life. Mixed feelings about children leaving, role changes, day-to-day life, redefining marriage, new freedoms, new fears, uncertainties, challenges, possibilities, and self-identity are all a natural part of being human.

Why Do We Have Ambivalence During Change?

The nature of ambivalent emotions is that they help to resolve internal conflicts that might keep us from personal growth.  

Resolution of mixed emotions during change is what propels us forward in life with strength. It’s true that being honest with all of our thoughts and feelings, rather than dismissing them, can be a challenge. As human beings, we are adaptable to change and so are continuously resolving ambivalent emotions. The process of adjusting to an empty nest is the same. Resolving emotional ambivalence for personal growth is like a Baroque sonata or fugue. One melody is layered upon the next, there are several key changes, much dissonance within,  before it finally reaches melodic, tonal resolution.

What if I Feel Stuck?

Perhaps you are feeling like Penny after her child left home. Are you living with a chronic pattern of ambivalence and anxiety which is keeping you from moving forward, expressing how you feel, connecting with others, and being “fully present” in life? Feeling stuck is normal in the change process as well. I would encourage you to find empathy and compassion through a safe person or group. Church small groups, support groups such as those at Agape, and individual counseling are great ways to start.

Sharing your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism allows space for grieving and moving toward acceptance, growth, excitement, hope, and joy.

Have a Blessed Month,

Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)