The Importance of Parenting by Grace

By Carolyn Knarr, MSW, LCSW, Director of Children’s Therapeutic Services

Often parents come to me, looking for guidance, because their child’s behavior is difficult or their attitude is disrespectful.  These parents are struggling with their child because they feel they can no longer control them. They believe that, if they just have the right method of parenting, their children will respect and obey them. Although they may have read “how-to” parenting books or sought the scriptures for specific verses about parenting, they are missing the forest for the trees. Effective parenting is centered on understanding the gospel of grace and relating to their children in a way which reflects it. A parent’s faith must be the foundation of their parenting and not just a tool in their parenting box.

Is obedience the goal of parenting, or is it shaping our children’s hearts to be tender and loving? Do we want conformity, or do we want children who can move out into the world to be a vessel of God’s love to others? Yes, obedience is necessary for a child to do this, but obedience should be taught as freedom to serve God and joy in loving others more than ourselves, not just obedience for the sake of obedience. If we believe that we are saved by grace and not by works, is our parenting reflecting this? Are our demands of our children full of grace, or are they full of frustration and disappointment  when they are not met?

Grace begins with recognizing our sin and need for forgiveness and redemption. God loved us so incredibly that, “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” He did not first demand our perfection or even obedience. He had  compassion for us. He understood our state of sinfulness. He yearned for relationship and was willing to pay the ultimate price for it. As parents, we must understand the state of our children, namely, they ARE just children who have and need a childhood to get it right, and then still probably won’t altogether. A child learning to walk involves lots of falling down, but we don’t get frustrated and yell at them. We encourage them and take delight in their small, wobbly steps with the hope that they will eventually walk with sure steps.

The foundation of parenting is a relationship with our children which reflects God’s relationship with us. We cannot and must not use our authority as parents to venture outside of this grace-driven model. We must always have in mind the extraordinary grace which God showed to us. The parable of the unforgiving debtor reflects how easy this is to do. The slave owed the king ten thousand talents, and the king forgave him of his debt. Yet, the slave refused to show grace to his friend who owed him only a hundred denarii.  As parents who easily get frustrated with our children’s behavior, we should reflect on this parable and remember what the Lord has done for us. It will help us put our children’s behavior into perspective.

Our goal as parents should not be creating an obedient child but a child who is open to the gospel of Christ and His work in their lives.

Next month I will talk more about how to parent by grace.

About the Author:

Carolyn Knarr earned her Master’s Degree from Washington University, and has been counseling for over 20 years. She is a member of the National Association of Social Workers, and is a licensed clinical social worker.

Carolyn has a strong background in working with children and adolescents with ADHD, attachment disorder, trauma, bipolar disorder, and Asperger’s. She works closely with their families to help them with the emotional and behavioral aspects of these disorders. She utilizes play therapy, family therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy, and is qualified to do psychological assessments with children. Carolyn also sees adult clients, couples, and families.

Through counseling, Carolyn helps her clients look at past and present relationship issues, communication patterns, and the potential for healing and growth.