Lose and Win at the Same Time: A Lesson from Jesus on Marital Surrender

By Kristy Cobillas, MEd, PLPC

We know in this chapter that Jesus was talking about how the Christ follower is to lay down (or sacrifice) what he or she wants and how he or she thinks things should be, in order to follow the way that is laid out by Christ Jesus.

This same concept of surrender can be applied to the marital unit. Paul states in Ephesians 5:21 that husbands and wives ought to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  For many, this idea of submission becomes scary as neither one wants to be the one to lose. The couple becomes gridlocked over seemingly intractable issues as each member focuses on his or her own needs. The end result is that neither party’s needs are met.

When  husbands and wives learn to let go of trying to meet their own needs, and instead meet the needs of their spouse, both members’ needs are met. This place of vulnerability is where true intimacy is fostered.  Ephesians 5 states that that within the marital dyad, the two are no longer separate entities; they have now become one. Thus the focus is no longer to be what is best for the individual members as much as what is best for the marital unit.  It is no longer “me”, but “we.”  The focus must switch to what is going to make for a healthy unit.

In order for the unit to be healthy, the members of the unit must be healthy. Every human being has basic emotional needs. These are the things that make one happy when they are met; and miserable, irritable, or unsettled when they are not. One’s own list of needs will be different from one’s spouse’s list. Unfortunately, these needs often go unfulfilled because of misconceptions regarding what is truly important to the spouse. It’s far too common for one to project one’s own needs onto their spouse.

So, how does one make this shift from a “me” focus to a “we” focus?

First, communication is vital.  Be open, honest, and specific. A good place to start is to write a list of your own emotional needs. Emotional needs can include such constructs as sexual intimacy, security, financial support, shared leisure time, domestic help, or admiration.  Be specific about how your spouse can meet these needs. Don’t expect that they will “know.” Have your spouse do the same. Then, share your lists with each other.  Understand that when you or your spouse get upset, there is a good chance that one or more of these basic emotional needs are being neglected.  If this happens repeatedly, resentment can begin to build; resentment leads to distance within the relationship. As each spouse stays aware of the other’s needs and continues to focus on meeting the other’s needs, the feeling of love remains intact.

Second, gratitude expressed through the words “thank you” is powerful.  Reinforcement of each other’s behavior keeps the good feelings going, so remember to point out when they get it right!

Finally, when facing conflict, don’t forget that your point of view is not the only one.  When conflict arises, take a few moments to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling at that moment.  Then shake that off and visualize what your spouse might be experiencing.  What might he or she be thinking? What might he or she be feeling? Picture yourself as though you were wearing their skin and experiencing the fight from their point of view.  Then, take a third position in which you stand back as an observer and view what is happening between you and your spouse.  Watch the dynamic.  Look at the patterns… Are the two of you truly listening to each other?  Does a time out need to take place?   Through this momentary “giving up” of one’s own perspective, a more empathic stance can be taken and perhaps a solution that meets each spouse’s needs can be more easily attained.

Toward the end of Paul’s monologue in Ephesians 5, he calls marriage a “great mystery” – a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church.  Just as “losing one’s life” actually allows the believer to gain the freedom to truly live, letting go of one’s perspective and demands,  even if temporarily, is counterintuitive and goes against much of what one’s flesh wants. Certain logic dictates that vulnerability can lead to loss, and it most certainly can.  Yet at the same time, without such vulnerability, and without giving up one’s self-focus, one is unable to gain the far more precious gift of intimacy.

References

Harley, W.F. (2013). Surviving An Affair. Michigan: Revelle Books

The Bible

About the Author

Kristy Cobillas, PLPC at Agape Christian Counseling, has been married for 24 years to her husband Tim, and is co-founder of The Joshua House, a non-denominational church community and 501c3 organization.   Click on the picture to the left to read her bio.