New Beginnings: Rebuilding and Repairing Relationships
Couples frequently come to my office with relational injuries, wondering if their marriage can be repaired. Individuals and couples may feel there has been such damage and destruction in the relationship that any hope of making amends, repairing the damage, is hopeless.
Restoration and redemption in relationships is available through Christ. As we enter this new year, I am led to encourage Agape readers that in Christ, all things are possible. If you are having trouble communicating with your partner, especially during the process of healing, you may find that learning new patterns of communication can be difficult. According to psychologist and researcher John Gottman, repairing relationships during and after conflict is key to marital success. Frequently, this is a communication skill which is necessary to forge a new beginning. Below are a Gottman video and questionnaire regarding repairing relationships.
John Gottman Video: Repairing Relationships
John Gottman “Repair Attempts Questionnaire”
Take this questionnaire below to assess your use of repair attempts in your own relationship. Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
| DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT: | RESPONSE: |
| We are good at taking breaks when we need them. | True False |
| When I apologize, it usually gets accepted by my partner. | True False |
| I can say that I am wrong. | True False |
| I am pretty good at calming myself down. | True False |
| Even when arguing, we can maintain a sense of humor. | True False |
| When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense. | True False |
| My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually effective. | True False |
| We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things. | True False |
| If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. | True False |
| My spouse is good at soothing me when I get upset. | True False |
| I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us. | True False |
| When I comment on how we could communicate better, my spouse listens to me. | True False |
| Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences. | True False |
| We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing. | True False |
| Teasing and humor usually work with my spouse for getting over negativity. | True False |
| We can start all over again and improve our discussions. | True False |
Source: Gottman, J. M., Ph.D. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY. Three Rivers Press.
If your marriage is struggling, please know that our God is a God of possibilities and new beginnings. One of the things I love the most about a relationship with Christ is that in Him, we have the opportunity to transform ourselves, our lives, and to also repair and rebuild our relationships. As we enter the New Year, my prayer for you is that you will know that through forgiveness and relationship in Christ, you and your relationships can rebuild, repair, and have a new beginning.
If you find that you need relationship coaching, encouragement, or help with healing, the counselors at Agape Christian Counseling Services can help.
Encouraging Scriptures About New Beginnings
If you have a favorite scripture about starting new for the new year, please share it on our Facebook page!
If you want to learn more about repairing your relationships, please come to our workshop on January 24th: Broken / Damaged Relationships
Happy New Year and New Beginnings,
Kathryn Manley, MS, LPC, CST
Individual, Family, and Marriage Counseling
Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT)
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